Pop queen Madonna Regrets Divorcing Normal Person Because Jewish Bubbies Hate Jesus

Madonna regrets breaking up with Guy Ritchie because she's bored schtupping young men. Kate Major's still talking, for some reason, about Jon Gosselin. Leighton Meester went shopping and the SWAT team was called in. Here's your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup

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Madonna regrets breaking up with Guy Ritchie, supposedly. Also, the novelty of dating her A-Rod proxy, Jesus Luz, has worn off, which is besides all of her Kabbalah friends being like, OY, A GOYIM NAMED JESUS?! Madge, babbeleh, step off it.

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Anyway, now that Madonna's learning the whole Big Yellow Taxi Theory firsthand, maybe she will stop tearing down trees/divorcing husbands who are probably good for her in the long run and shtupping men who're half her age.

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Also, getting to write about Madonna and Kabbalah reminds me of this 1998 where she did this ridiculous Shanti chant that segued into "Ray of Light." Two things: (1) in retrospect, this moment makes so much sense on the Timeline of Madonna Being Ridiculous as it was clearly kind of an important one and (2) the VMAs, man: they just don't make them like they used to.

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Watch Lenny Kravtiz get on stage with Madge for "Ray of Light" and come to terms with the fact that you just don't have it in you to be as ridiculous as Madonna.

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Jon Gosselin needs to be alone right now, and I think Kate Major needs to go to a decompression tank or something. She's the succubus of celebrity reporting.