I am in a bad mood so I shall adopt what all people do when they are in a bad mood - Impose their bad mood on others.
I HOPE YOUR DAY SUCKED AND YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND DUMPED YOU YOU UGLY GIT!
*deep gasp from the shocked audience*
So as I was saying ...
Yesterday I was whipping around Holland Village like a Tasmanian Devil while waiting for Eekean and the rest of the RV gang to come along.
Ghim Hui and XF were late, so Wong and I were looking thru the mag stands. Since I was in such a horrific mood, I looked at all the magazine covers and decided I hate all the Singapore models.
It's not the models' faults actually. They have just been over-exposed.
Seriously! What do you see when you look at the average magazine cover?!
Here's a sum up for you:
Rebecca Tan, rebecca tan, rebecca tan, denise Keller, jaymee ong, jaymee ong,
fann wong, zoe tay, fiona xie, rebecca tan, jaymee ong, denise keller, denise
keller, belinda lee, denise keller rebecca tan, Jaymee Ong, Fann, zoe, fann,
fiona, zoe, jaymee, becky, denise, becky
THE SAME FACES OVER AND OVER AGAIN!
May I present to you!
REBECCA TAN! She is one face I am sick of seeing.
Not that she is ugly or anything near that, but how many products does she endorse? Like 3 million?
1) Lee Hwa Jewellery (or whatever that ad is where she lifts up her arms in an convertible car)
2) Some feet massage thingy currently showing on TV
3) A boob cream
4) Perlini silver?
5) Random product A
6) Random product B
7) Random product C
8) Some milk thingy?
Apparently this month she is on the cover of "SHAPE" or some health mag with a rainbow bikini. I know she has really kickass boobs, but is there really a need to use her so many times we all can draw her face with our eyes closed and hands miamed?
What is wrong with Singapore's media? Do we really have a lack of models for using as cover girls?
Speaking of over-exposed models, may I present to you ....
JAYMEE ONG!
Wow! Cover of Health mag.
Bam, another. Gimme more Jaymee!
"Sure thing", says Cleo.
Not enough? Here's another, courtesy of Cleo!
ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY ALL THE SAME PEOPLE OVER AND OVER AGAIN?!
Don't be silly dear, it's not your fault at all.
ARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
NO! That Is Enough!
BOOM!!!!!!
The last two are current issues. -_- Nod with me now: Is she over exposed, or over exposed?
Mind you, I do think Jaymee is gorgeous.
But I would like to see some new blood for once.
Come to think of it, maybe it is not that difficult to have that kinda look that magazine girls have. It's all just photoshop, isn't it?
There you go. Mind you, my "before" photo here was already being photoshopped, so the difference is not too much. But take a closer look!
The nose - suddenly there's a nose bridge!
The lashes! - who grew them?!
Depth of eyes! - why is there eyeshadow?
Skin! - Blur, blur, blur, blur, blur, airbrush, heal, blur, blur, sharpen, sharpen, blur, blur
Of course, some of us will claim that the "before" photo looks more natural and thus nicer - BUT THAT'S BULLSHIT. No mag covers will put that photo of mine as the front page.
Anyway, I'm so talented, I do not understand why Maxim is not scouting me to be their photo editor. *tsk tsk* HEY YOU THERE! You! You mumbling that I am not that good what, why I so hao lian? YOU ARE WRONG! I am THAT good. If the creator of photoshop is the best, then I am the mountain that is always higher than the other mountain (I see the non-chinese/kantangs go like, "huh?!").
Well as usual this post is going to piss of the relevant industry's people, who will claim that I am shooting my mouth without knowing anything. You know how most (I said MOST) gay make-up artists operate: "Aiyoh! That xiaxue bitch! Always talk nonsense! SO BITCHY! And her breasts ah, small small only, still talk so much!" - to be said in a trans/malay accent and completed with broken wrist.
...
and etc.
Truth is, there is only one reason why they keep using the old crowd: There is indeed not enough models.
Well then kudos to Cleo, which holds auditions for new Cleo cover girls, and to FHM, which recently featured Margaret Lee, who is, erm, definitely not very normal cover girl material.
BUT WHY??? Why are there not enough models in Singapore? Is everyone too smart and educated to take a job which under-utilises their brains nowadays?
Come to think of it, if I spent 10 years of my life studying, why would I wanna be a model? Ah, to get shagged by rich guys driving Zondas of course, then siphon their money dry and then go fuck another rich guy who lives in Queen Astrid Park or 6th Ave.
Model 1: My bf drive Lamborghini leh!
Model 2: My fuck buddy drive Bentley ok!
Model 3: My nene is so big that my godfather drive the Singapore Duck Tour Boat around town just because he can afford it. *smirks*
Model 1, 2: ... But the boat can drive one meh?
Model 3: I don't know leh, I think we sort of bounce about. Oh, it messes up my hair. =*(
HEY YOU THERE! You who are muttering that some models are smart too! YOU ARE ..... CORRECT! That day, I was talking to one of them, and I asked her, like, hello there, how many alphabets are there do you remember? and she said, like, was it 24 or 26? guffaw guffaw
Well, do YOU know how many alphabets there are? And do you also know that 512 is the cube of 8? Or that the human body has 206 bones? And that the enamel coating your teeth is actually harder than your skull?
OH DEAR! If yes, then you are too smart to be a model lah dear. Trust me, u will contribute more (meaningfully) to our country's GDP by being a marketer or engineer. ;)
But what I don't get is this: Why do these rich guys let the girls siphon their cash and sometimes even marry them?
Going by pure logic and no sexual elements, these rich guys should be relatively smart right, that's why they made it rich/maintained wealth.
Therefore, smart people should seek smart partners for three good reasons:
1) To ensure smart genes for kids to continue success in the business they spent a lifetime building up.
2) To be able to have a fulfiling conversation with partner without feeling like crashing her skull.
3) To use her intelligence to help make critical decisions in the business and provide business solutions.
To the contrary however, we see plenty of these rich (also supposedly smart) people dating/marrying dumb actresses and models.
Plenty of logic behind that too I guess:
1) Is a good fuck
2) Is too dumb to notice if you cheat on her (or doesn't care since she cheats too)
3) Children will look good - (but are so stupid they will all get herpes at the age of 11)
4) Can show off like trophy and make the guy with the smart but ugly wife pissed off (but his smart son will trash your business).
5) Has so much money he doesn't mind paying for something as long as it is aesthetically pleasing.
6) Feeds ego as he feels he is damn smart whenever conversing with her.
Oh well, the dumb model wins the average-looking lady in the power suit with the quiet IQ of 150. What a pity.
*****
Back to the topic of brains-not-necessary occupations, today Wong the Lawyer and I went to Ikea to have dinner.
Very unfortunately, there was but one two seater table at the side of this lady.
I took a glance at her, absorbed in the electric blue eyeshadow, tight black bun and blood red nails, and I knew it was no good news.
But what choice do we have? It was the only seat around.
I grudgingly took the seat beside her.
BAD MOVE.
Later on, her friends came to join her - some skinny Indian lady and some Chinese girl.
The moment their asses touched the seats, they started gushing at her.
"OMG your make up! You look so different!"
The original girl merely smiled a "I am so lucky and you can only be envious" smile at them.
The Indian girl started to gush about how her current make up makes her eyes look bigger or something.
I, as a professional *ahem*, ok, freelance make up artist, took one more glance at her and almost laughed out loud. Since when was electric blue eyeshadow a "nice make-up"?? In fact, I think Qin Shi Wang should have burned all baby/electric blue eyeshadow when he tried to burn all the books in ancient China.
She looks like someone from the 80's popped up from the grave and tried to force make-up on her.
Anyway, it was apparent what the BIG HOOHA was about. She was newly made an air stewardess.
I don't see the big fuss about air waitresses, seriously. Most of them are fugly with super red lipstick. I say MOST. Why must guys go like "Whoop! My girlfriend is an air stewardess!" when it is almost nothing to be proud about? Why don't they go "Whoop! My girlfriend is the CEO of Raffles Holdings!" (That's Jennie Chua btw, and I totally adore her because she is so capable, she worked her way up in hospitality starting out as a banquet waitress. She is also hilarious).
Why is it ok for girlfriends to be superior to them in looks but not in intelligence/capability??! What kinda crap logic is that?
Anyway, back to the story:
Moving swiftly on from make-up (a whole fifteen mins), they started discussing the tight bun she had on her nape.
Being an ex-banquet waitress, I assure you that that bun is not difficult to tie at all and nothing to drool over. It is BUT A FUCKING HAIR BUN!
She started explaining to them, while they listened with bambi eyes, that she twirled and twisted and used a lot of what she called "U-pins" to secure the bunch of dead cells.
And added she used two hairnets so it's more "secure".
What a bunch of airheads! And why did she have to keep the bun on when she is outta the airport? TRYING TO HAO LIAO!
Surely you have heard the saying:
Big minds discuss ideas
Mediocre minds discuss events
Small minds discuss people
What about minds who discuss superficial aesthetics? They should add another: Imbecile minds discuss U-pins in great detail.
I would have forgiven Miss New Air Waitress if she talked about the weather next - in her little phoney English accent may I add.
BUT NO! She started to talk about her MANICURE! Which looked like shit on her stumpy nails. Blah blah it's a airline thing to have it red it is sponsored all the girls do the same blah blah blah.
Then her friends talked about another subject, and I stole a glance at her, and you know what? She wasn't listening but admiring her nails. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER??!
They moved swiftly on to how little they eat a day and Indian girl proclaimed that she is really very full and didn't wanna touch dinner.
I took a hopeless look at the thunderstruck Eekean, and gulped down the last of my meatballs, and fled from the place.
Never may I meet another person like that again. Amen.
*****
Oops! Let's wrap up this blog entry.
But what hell was Elle thinking when they got Rachel Lee to be cover?
Oh my god the tragedy. Whatever class and prestige the mag had was gone in one day. Not that Rachel is, erm, not a nice girl of course. Bleah, I better shut up here if I ever wanna write for Today again. *grins*
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