I am so fat, that my new phone is mocking me.
I bought my dream T500 from Samsung, heres a nice new picture of it.
Ok, I'm very happy that Jealous June managed to help me find the gold colour one, which is a limited edition. The front LCD can be changed to different pictures, and the diamantes has LED lights underneath it, so it can sparkle in violet, orange, yellow, green, blue and sky blue when people call.
How wonderful. My phone is the prettiest in the world.
The 65,000 colour screen can also be transformed into a good mirror. See my camera being reflected?
Anyway, since its a woman's phone, it has some saboh functions.
1) Fat calculator
Heres my fat calculation:
Bullshit! You have not seen my tummy, sascastic little piece of shit.
2) Pink Schedule
The pink schedule, as predicted, is meant to calculate menses. It also calculates for you, as if you have sex every single day, the possibility of getting pregnant today.
Lets have a look at mine today.
BULLSHIT.
I am so fat, that no one is shagging me at all. In fact, no one has shagged me for a long long time. MY PREGNANT POSSIBILITY IS ZERO. How can I get pregnant when no one is shagging me? As far as I know, I am not a bloody fish, so sperm wouldn't swim about and enter me.
99% indeed, sascastic piece of shit.
I am so fat, that Eileen told me that her friend asked her whether I drink alot of beer coz I have, obviously, a fat tummy. Ok I am done with the whining, so, depending on your sex you can know nod your head violently and say you understand totally, or fall asleep with nightmares of Spongebob Squarepants shagging Patrick, the pink Starfish (watch that cartoon, its funny).
Welcome back (from your nap, if you are male).
I got pretty much upset by that comment. I do not drink beer. And the beer is not happy as well, because it would not ever have the pleasure of causing a tummy on me, as I already have one. And people are giving it the credit for something it didn't even attempt to do.
Anyway, the point is that I should do something about the humongous tummy, which is so big, that if I stupidly walk into a wall, the first body part that would touch the wall is my belly. And I am not doing the limbo rock.
Now thats horrible. At the end of Project Reduce Tummy, I should be able to walk into a wall with my boobs touching the wall first. Following that would be my toes, and then my eyelashes, and then my nose. My tummy will be so trim, my pelvis will stop it from ever touching the wall.
I will be able to look at my toes without anything blocking my view while standing up. Now, being able to look at my toes while standing upright will have absolutely no use of course, but it will give me an infinite amount of satisfaction.
How do I go about the diet? I am not willing to give up food. But good food costs money. So I shall not bring any money to school from now on. Urgh, forget it. I am not gonna give up food.
So I shall purchase a girdle. For males, a girdle is something you put around your waist so that when you wear tight clothes, your tummy would not hang out like a giant tumour. I shall wear my girdle at home as girdles are socially unacceptable.
I imagine this to happen when I wear my girdle to prance around.
Piece of Fat from KFC Chicken Skin (to itself gleefully): "Oh man!! I'm a piece of fat! I will destroy Wendy's life! Hmmm, let me see where I should reside in... I think I might want to go to her elbow. Wouldn't it be very funny if she has fat elbows? Or maybe fat eyelids? But gosh... I think I would be so lonely there. No other pieces of fats will be there. Thus, I shall go to her tummy where there are alot of fats."
The POFFKFCCS tries to travel to my tummy, which is binded tightly with the girdle.
POFFKFCCS: "Oh no my friends! Why are you all so unhappy here!"
Chorus from the numerous pieces of fats: "Its a GIRDLE! We are so squashed! Some of us are thinking of migrating to BOOBS and ASS!"
POFFKFCCS: "Oh no, I want to stay here with you guys!"
NPOF: "NO SPACE!"
Dramatically, some of the numerous pieces of fats suddenly collapse and die just to prove their point.
POFFKFCCS shudders and cries: "I guess I would get out of the blood steam later then, see you guys!"
The POFFKFCCS sits comfortably in the intestines, and falls asleep. When it awakes half and hour later, it sees a piece of Brown Unidentified Object floating around.
POFFKFCCS to BUO: "Hey bro! Why are you looking so glum? Oh no, you stink! Anyway, I'm a Piece of Fat from KFC Chicken Skin! What are you exactly, a liver?"
BUO: "I'm a piece of shit."
POFFKFCCS: "Oh COME ON! Theres no need to be so pessimistic! Life can't be THAT BAD! Now stop calling yourself a piece of shit. Coz you are not, ok! Ok seriously, what are you?"
BUO: "I'm a piece of shit."
POFFKFCCS: "Duh. Since you wouldn't cut the crap, I would like to enquire where we are heading towards now. I would get to get out of the bloodstream at THIGHS, would you be so kind as to notify me when we reach?"
BUO: "We have long passed THIGHS while you were sleeping. We are now heading towards ANUS."
POFFKFCCS: "OH! Thats cool! A new place! I have never heard of it before. So will there be many Pieces of Fats at ANUS? Those are my friends!"
BUO: "I hardly think so."
POFFKFCCS: "That sucks."
BUO: "You wish. It doesn't suck but sort of squirts instead, and we will end up where there are many Brown Unidentified Objects like me. I don't like them, they stink."
POFFKFCCS: "Oh man! How did you discover that I called you Brown Unidentified Object secretly?"
BUO: "You and the rest of the word didn't believe me when I said I am a piece of shit, so there must be an alternative name."
POFFKFCCS: "Hey look! I see light! I see the sea! Is this the sea?! How exciting!"
BUO: "This is the toilet bowl. The sea isn't yellow, you fool."
*****
Ahhh... Thats how I will become Miss SlimTummy in a short while. The problem now is how to purchase a girdle without dying of embarrassment.
If I survive, I might be able to get him to shag me.
Fucking cute, Jeremy is. Haiz, I'm really really so so so in love with him. I'm dying.
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