I'm sorry, my readers

Sometime happened which made blogging pretty impossible tonight. Tmr, I promise. Love ya all.

Who's that girl on TV?!

That's right! We at Xiaxue Inc. is proud to announce that the star of this blog is about to make her virgin appearance without photoshop!!!!!



See her in the flesh at 7pm on Channel I's What matters this Thursday!













Just a short 3 mins on an interview with her at Weili's nice place ... (Xie xie Weili!!!)







Very unfortunately when this shot was captured she was adjusting her hair so she looks like she is acting in a porn film and taking off a bra. Rest assured the program is nothing of this sort.



Also present in the show would be friend Wanyi ...







And of course, Singapore's own funny columist cum blogger Mr. Brown! *beams*





I think I will look very fat in the show, but believe me, I am really skinny in real life.



*more blogging tmr yeah, about MODELS.

ca�lam�i�ty - Dire distress resulting from loss or tragedy.

There is this Chinese saying called huo bu dan xing, which literally means that disasters do not travel alone. That's right! It has a set of buddies it likes to bring along with it to bug you forever till you die of depression.



Recently I've been experiencing this. Within a short while, I quarreled with 3 friends (two of which are fine now), and I feel thoroughly miserable.



Someone up there must feel that that is not enough, I was made even more miserable yesterday.



I've just got my pay, and since I've been feeling very lonesome recently ...





LET ME DIGRESS!!!



****************

After watching an episode of Super Sunday, I was informed by the Taiwanese media that girls like guys who are you(1) yu(4) (depressed and melancholy, not cuttlefish).



The perfect example would be Vic Zhou in Meteor Garden. Ho ho ho! If you are one cheery guy, you can now wallow in self pity - for the truth is out. Girls only like depressed guys.



For some weird reason, girls FEEL for the guys who sits down for hours staring into the stars, moping like nobody's business.











The girls feel that you yu guys are deep and mysterious. Deep + mysterious = great sex.

WOOO! That guy sitting on the swing in the lonesome playground - my word, there must be so much to find out about him! What is making him so melancholy? I just wanna cuddle him between my ... arms to make him feel better! I'm sure morose as he is now, I can be the one girl who will light up his life for him ... I am so intrigued and infatuated. Oh the floppy hair and bambi eyes which shine with tears!

VS:

Yikes siao one that guy so happy and so loud for what. Surely a frivolous being. What a flirt.

Not sexy lah, too happy looking







(On the contrary, a depressed and ragged looking Stephen oozes sex appeal, yeah?)











You see my point.



Although I do prefer happy guys (I'm not rejecting the odd suicidal one as well if he is cute), I shall conversely deduce the same conclusion for females.



Surely guys love depressed females too, I asked myself. The answer is a resounding YES.







Don't cry ...



Surely you wanna take the disconsolate her into your arms while she nuzzles in your chest and you wipe away her tears for her? Meanwhile, her silky straight hair will fall over her face and you will, gently using your fingers, push them away. She looks up at you with her soulful eyes and blinks twice, a silent "thanks" for you being there for her.



Altogether now! "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ..."



Guys totally love that bullshit.



So I have decided! From now on, I shall be a depressed girl. OH WOE IS ME!



To complete your image of me as a absolutely woebegone person, I shall supply a photo of me looking you yu:









Please take note! It comes complete in sepia (a depressed colour-mode if there is one) - and coupled with the meaningful yet hopeless words it is even more sexy than EVER! Don't you just wanna take me into your arms and comfort me, guys?!



However, please pardon the particular green pepper at the side of the picture. *frown* A professional depressed-photo should not have vibrant vegetables in it.



Oh oh oh! Let's have a digression in the middle of this digression!

Don't you think that a lot of fruits/veggies have sexual connotations??! Why is that so I wonder?



Checklist:



Banana

Papaya

WaterMELONs

MELONs

(Pop the) Cherry

Cucumber

Brinjal

Grapes (courtesy of Anne Rice - her cl*t swelled like a small hard grape. Doh!)

Dried raisins (Courtest of Anne Rice - this was supposed to describe nipples. What the?!)

Moving on, it was Peiying who tried to shove the pepper into my mouth as I took the picture. A good thing photographer Ghimz was fast too, for the next moment after I took the pic I was bursting in laughter.



But in actual fact I am a really you yu person.



Please fall helplessly in love with me.



********* End Digression *************



I was saying that since I was very lonesome recently, I'm decided to the one way to get companionship - BUY IT. I shall get famous singers to accompany me on the long journey home by buying a memory stick for my mp3 playing Clie!!



Gleefully, I walked into the spanking new and pure white Sony Gallery at Wisma's 4th floor (topshop there).



I bought the 128mb memory stick at $87.







That was taken before the photographer (yours truly) went into such severe depression Woodbridge is asking her to quit her compulsive blogging syndrome and go to bed (ha, I know it took a long time for this post to come up, but I am depressed, forgive me) now.



In fact, I was so happy I even took a picture of my newly manicured nails! ($8.90 at bugis village)







After which, at 945pm, I gleefully opened up the package and inserted the memory stick into the clie.



WHAT



THE



HELL!





The screen started to flicker ominously with only white and black horizontal lines and on, and it could not be turned off.



"No problem lah," I comforted myself. "Just press reset lor ..."



And I did! But with no avail at all. The screen continued to flicker. I told my clie, "Please don't like that, please?" and it didn't listen! IT IS GOING BERSERK! SOMEBODY HELP ME~!!!!



I tried pressing every single button on the poor Clie and nothing changed.



Finally, I pressed and held the on/off button.



What returned was a nice new screen (yay no more flickering!) which asked me in mock politeness:





"Would you like to erase all data?"



OF COURSE NOT YOU STUPID DUMBASS CLIE!



Since I couldn't heal my Clie, i decided the next best thing to do is to kill its murderer - the salesman. I asked him umpteen times if there were compatible issues and he said no. Clearly then, his product is FAULTY!



I SHALL KILL THE TRAITOR! My clie was my only friend!!!!! I read Harry Potter on it! I cannot live without it! How could he do this to me, I hate him!



AND YOU KNOW WHAT? Basically, I paid $87 to screw myself! Oh congratuations! At least I get to keep the memory stick! FOR FUCK WHEN MY PALMTOP IS GONE??! What is this, promotional gimmick? Buy a memory stick and get an excuse for a brand new Clie? No thanks hor!



Today, I returned to Sony Gallery in the morning when it is opened. The same salesman was there, and he was befuddled as to why the clie is behaving in this childish manner.



He then did the smart thing by delegating the problem-solving to the techicians.



By this time, may I assure you that I am one very pissed being. I am not very nice when I am pissed. I was also from NCC and I did the Baris Sediyak (how to spell?) thingy when I was in school so I can shout pretty loud too.





The fellow gave me a casual "oh, so your clie spoil ah?" look which thoroughly pissed me off. HELLO I AM NOT YOUR NORMAL CUSTOMER WHOSE PRODUCT WENT FAULTY OK IT WAS YOUR MEMORY STICK WHICH CAUSED IT SO THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS LOOK PATRONISINGLY APOLOGETIC!



The asshole went on the mention that since my warranty is over (speaking of which, it was over on AUGUST 2004, how suay can I get?), he wants to highlight to me the relevant charges.



I hollered at him.



"WHAT? This is ridiculous! It is YOUR memory stick which spoilt my Clie and now you want me to pay for the repair? Are you crazy? In fact, I think YOU should compensate me for my time wasted here and also for the important data that is in my clie!"



He gave me a relatively shocked look, and all I wanted to do then was to smash his head with his luxurious Sony Vaio's LCD screen.



Of course I got the bloody repairs free.



Bloody ineffective bastards, will take them another five days (ARE THE TECHICIANS ALL RETARDED, OR ARE SONY PRODUCTS CONSTANTLY BREAKING DOWN??! FIVE days! A mosquito would have finished it's lifespan by then, it is THAT long!) to repair the clie.



When they have it back to me, I am going to demand a full refund from them for $87 and buy the light purple ordinary memory stick from Yahoo! Auctions - not another magic-gate is coming anywhere near my clie!



Bloody assholes. "Relevant charges". THE CHEEK!





Moral of the story: Do not randomly insert foreign objects into fitting holes without first checking for defects of foreign object. The results might be deadly.

Assumptions by Simpletons

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Staying in Kallang Bahru/Hougang? Need $100?

Oh dear ...



He really needs the sex you know ...











Do you live in Hougang or Kallang Bahru? If you need the $100 desperately, why not shag him? Just a few minutes of your time, and it might even feel good ...







WHAT? You are a guy? Never mind la, ask Lewis if he can accept your chaste ass. I'm sure he wouldn't mind.



Be sure to use a condom!!! Dear Lewis, do not blame me! I was merely giving you more choices you see ...



Careful of VD! Herpes is incurable!

Open contempt

BAH! This is getting serious. I had another dire warning from a friend that my blog would eventually cause me all my friends (who treasure privacy anyway), and there is too much truth in his statement to whistle and ignore, so this eventually caused me to lost whatever interest and inspiration I had to write a blog entry.



Thus ends this blog entry.



HA! Kidding la. But seriously speaking, I had absolutely nothing to blog about recently (nothing to do with the dire warning). Sure, plenty of people (not friends) made me angry, but I can't write about them because ... what are the chances that they would not read it? Slightly less than zero.



So frustrating.



Since I had nothing to blog about, I almost decided on making Eddy the Engineer meet another animal crossing the road with him (A tibetian llama this time) but well ... I couldn't think of anything funny/interesting to say even about that.



I shall thus hide my non-inspired blog entry with a silly movie review - which could pass off as an informative and educational blog entry.



Regular readers would know I do not usually write movie reviews unless they REALLY piss me off like THE HULK (giant pistachio nut hopping around) or SUICIDE CLUB (Jap kids dying of no reason), or was really good like the recently mentioned Notebook.



VOILA! Along came Open Waters which totally fits the criteria of ... PISSING ME OFF.



This is supposed to be a movie about a couple who is trapped in the open water - with sharks.



Sure, this will have "spoilers", but I do not believe my blog entry is any less interesting than the movie, so surely reading this will be a better deal than spending 1.5 hours watching that show - plus this site is free for your reading and its author is also extremely gorgeous with a gold belly piercing.









People who have gold belly piercings are superior to the rest of the world



Moving swiftly back to the topic of the movie (quit trying to scrutinize if I have belly hairs - coz I am gonna tell you now that I do, though they are cleverly hidden under the layers of skin-coloured air-brushing), I suggest that instead of bringing your girlfriend to watch Open Waters in the hope of her hugging you tight coz she is really scared of the sharks; while you rejoice in the fact that u can slightly feel her breasts on your chest, you could go read 1 year and 4 months worth of Xiaxue archives instead.



If nothing goes wrong, this could give you 5 hours of pure enjoyment.



It is also predicted that you guys will have some arguments i.e. about how all girls hate Michelle Saram while guys love her, but a little squabble is always good for relationship-strengthening. MICHELLE SARAM SUCKKKKKKKKS! (FIGHT!)



Back to Open Waters.



Wong the Lawyer got free premiere tickets to the movie, and boy was it a bad thing. (Not that it's your fault at all Wong! *patronising smile*)



The first scene of the show was this couple, who are both not good looking, rammaging around in their house looking for their stuff so that they can go on a holiday together.



Naturally, because it is based on a true story, the show shoves a cliche right into your face like it is actually forgivable just because it is a true story: The wife, or girlfriend, is a busy woman who receives a business call just before they leave, and she is having a well-deserved break with her husband - to scuba dive.



The show, a cheap production using cheap video cams which makes all the characters have fuzzy outlines, spent 20 minutes of film on that STUPID beginning.



The man loves her, and wants her to enjoy herself. He is also a pussy, as you would read about later on.



BAM! There we go! They are at the beach (tick tock, 25 mins into the movie already, where are the sharks?)! FLASH! scene of kids playing in the sea (tick tock). FLASH! scene of people playing volleyball. HELLO??? IF WE JUST WANT TO WATCH RANDOM NO-STORYLINE BEACH SCENES WE CAN REPEATEDLY WATCH THE DOWNTOWN EAST AD OK????



Flash! The couple are back in their hotel room, tired but happy and excited about their long-awaited vacation. (CAN YOU GET MORE CLICHED THAN THAT?? HUH? CAN YOU??)



HOLD YOUR BREATH, ladies and gentlemen! I am about to talk about the climax of the show! They have this little talk which no one could listen to because the show is too cheaply produced to use the woolly sound recorder thingy (think it gets rid of fuzzy sounds). The characters mumbled about how much they love each other and how hard they have worked - which no one gives a shit about. They also look fuzzy.



Suddenly, BAM! Breasts on screen. The girl, a blonde chick who has almost zilch sex appeal because she is a grumpy pig, decides to take off her bra. Wow, what a nice free piece of appetiter! I really did not expect that, it's really nice of you people working on Open Water! (I am being sarcastic. If you have a movie with your female lead only wearing a wet suit all of the time, I think it's mere politeness that you throw in a nude scene first.)



Honestly speaking, her breasts are pretty nice - or maybe it's because they look quite fuzzy.



Just as the rest of the theatre's bored people sit upright barely masking their excitment, and the Jaws fans groan in disappointment that the sharks are not about to come yet, the movie gives the audience another unpleasant surprise. And do not be mistaken - it IS trying to be different from the common hollywood flicks which are, clearly, all about sex.



The girl, who was looking at the guy with complete lust before this, suddenly said (surprisingly audibly for a fuzzy soundtrack) that she is NOT IN THE MOOD TO HAVE SEX!



WHAT! THE! FUCK! What a waste of my time! HELLO??! NO IN THE MOOD TO HAVE SEX? Then why not wear a surgical robe to sleep instead of taking off her top and flashing her tits at him? What's her point?



I think, she secretly wants to have sex, but she wants her man, instead of acting like the usual wimp he is, to tear off her grandmother panties and have dominatrix sex with her.



He fails to deliver.



Instead of climbing over her and impaling the grumpy bitch on his long erect member while shouting into her ear that some sex would do her temper good, he gives a nonchalent look (who blames him?). He then proceeds to say that he understands, and they roll over and sleep till the next morning.



WHAT A PUSSY OF A MAN! I can imagine that if Maddox's girlfriend tells him that she is not in the mood to have sex, he would slap her with his pet Goth and ask her to sit quietly on his gigantic balls and think about the nonsense she just sprouted while he shags one of his hysterical female fans enthusiastically.



The next morning, the duo sets out happily into the boat.



They all scuba dive. FLASH! Scene of clown fish swimming amongst amoebas or whatever those corals are called. THANKS! I LOVE UNDERWATER SCENES!



Fast forwarding the dull bits, the couple gets left behind in the open sea while the boat, due to an unfortunate miscount, sets off without them. (tick tock, 1 hr into the show ...)



VOOM the boat goes! Yaaay! Sharks finally?



Oh no! Couple realises that they are left behind. They wait. Guy pees. Girl pees. Time passes. They see sharks forlicking below them, but the sharks behave like gentle graceful dolphins. I can almost imagine them doing synchorised swimming.



Hey, why are there pieces of white stuff floating around the sea? Mystery solved - the girl vomited. BAH!



Couple panicks (not because of the vomit), they quarrel over whose fault it is that they are stuck here.



Night time! Cliche time! It RAINS! BOOM! Flash! Lightning! Can see couple. No lightning! Cannot see couple! Yaaay!



The guy gets a chunk of his leg bitten by a curious shark and blood fills the otherwise crystal clear sea water.



Ominous foreboding? Lots of sharks, smelling the blood, will attack the guy? You wish. The guy panicks like the wimp he is, while burying himself in the girl's breasts, crying, and the sharks do not attack.



By morning, she is hugging his dead body (too much blood loss).



Coincidentally, the boating people also realised that they must have miscounted, and jets set out scouring the seas for them.



She takes a look at him, and decides to let him go, a la Titanic.



He floats a little, and guess what? The sharks eat him up. WOW! Such good timing she has! She knows it is breakfast time, so the sharks will immediately devour the guy the exact moment she lets him go, but not when she is still holding him!



Trivia for you! Sharks eat wet suits too!



She looks at him, and despite the audience saying that she wouldn't dare, she drowns herself. YES. She drowns herself! HOW AUDACIOUS! The trailer clearly stated that they have a story to tell! How the fuck could it be based on a true story when both characters die??!



The credits flash, and the story was "found out" because one shark, who so coincidentally was caught, had ate the underwater camera the couple brought with them, and the audience can only presume that the film told of the story.



Very stupid, because if you are dying you do not take pictures of yourself.



The point of the movie, Open Water's fans (IT HAS FANS? OMG) argued in IMDB, is not about the sharks but the concept of the phobia of floating around in such a big area. Wow, scary I say.



Not.



Being trapped in such a vast area, or Agoraphobia if you wish, could have been must better portrayed in this movie but was not - unlike other sea shows like Castaway. It almost looked fun to be trapped in the nice ocean.



If you say you are a blind person who just wants to hear the movie because u loved the Jaws soundtrack - don't (although if you are blind u can't read this site). During the most desolute of times, the soundtrack was playing happy prayer songs. Supposedly funny I guess.



Eekean said that if this movie were a comedy, it would have gotten 2 stars.



Since it is not, I'd say it deserves -13/5.



Don't Watch It. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Veggie Fun!

Hi! Let's guess what these pictures stand for!







.

.

.

.

Really to guess?





































It's a Bitchy Brinjal!



Ok, NEXT!







What's this? Which veggie has holes in its stems?



















































It's a Kinky Kangkong!









Those are eyes on it ... And it's slightly more worried than it should rightly be ...

















Pessimistic? Nope.













































It's a Paranoid Potato!





NEXT! Bet you didn't get any correct you dum dum!







Ok this is kinda tougher. It's a kind of bean, I can tell you that.









































It's a Frustrated French Bean!!









p/s: The context of the words are not really important.



















































It's a Mumbling Mushroom!













Yes it's spinach.

















































It's a Severed Spinach!



You cannot stand it already is it? Ok, last one:















































































.

.

.

.

This is a Lesbianic Lady's Finger.





(Credits to nicks of Veggies: Weili, Wanyi, Meiyan and for the lady's finger, No. 1 Blogder Eternald)





Am I getting Blogger's Block? No, why do you ask?