I am 21 now!

Yay so happy! It is my 21st birthday!

A big sincere thank you to everyone who have wished me Happy birthday, I really appreciate it! Hao kai xin! I am a big girl now!

I'm going over to my chalet soon, and to everyone else coming, here's how you go:


By Car

If you're coming from the north, take SLE/TPE, and exit to Loyang Ave (towards Changi Village). *Go along Loyang Ave (it's quite a long and windy route) and turn left into Cranwell Road. Our chalets are sprouted along Cranwell, Gosport, Andover, Leuchars, Catterick, Netheravon, Halton, Sealand and Biggin Hill Roads. You can check out our map to see where your chalet is located and follow the routes laid out there.

If you're coming from the west, you can either take AYE/ECP or PIE to TPE/SLE, and exit to Loyang Ave (towards Changi Village). The rest is similar to above directions.


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By Train & Bus

Take the east bound train to Tampines MRT station. From there, you can take Bus 29. You can check our map to see where you should alight, depending on where your chalet is located.

For checking in, please come to the reception office along Netheravon Road.

The map here.

My chalet is the one marked NB, so if you are taking a bus, can stop outside the reception.

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My chalet is at Aloha Changi, Netheravon Terrace A.
Reach at 630pm on 29th April (fri)(Or later if you have work, it is fine).
Theme: Pink! Anything pink!

I had a theme in mind actually, and I wanted to organise a "Two-piece clothing party", meaning you cannot enter the party wearing more than two pieces of clothing.

And if you wear a hat, you get a door gift.

I don't think everyone's game for that though, so let's make it such that everyone wears at least a piece of pink! Ok no pink then red also can. =) If you don't have either, you shall have to be the person doing the barbecue. Wahahaha!

For my friends who are coming, please RSVP by today (I have not invited everyone yet and I apologize to people who messaged me on my starhub as my phone is spoilt and I can't see it - but it is ok now).

Ok this is what is important: Blog readers, I am sorry I cannot let you guys into the chalet. I don't know the amount of people coming (I suspect a very little amount actually, Changi is so far), I don't know what intentions the eviler of you might have and all... =( I actually got hatemail for my birthday. How nice of some people hor? Weili shall be my bodyguard.

All I can do for you visitors is to, erm, provide a cup of drink and say thanks for coming, and that's about it. But do come if you want to, I have gone for a nice tan (everyone says I look nicer) and also highlighted my hair blonde! Haha... Pretty for turning 21!

Kelvin also suggests I make the famous people who will be there wear tags. Eileen (wee), Adrian, mrbrown and Mr Miyagi will have to agree to that coz it is my birthday, yay!!! Ping hui (Yes, we are actually real life friends, and shagging him as a lifetime goal was a private joke) said he might, though possibly not, go! So fun right?

I am so excited.

Shit, I've got no alcohol. Bring your own if you want to drink!

p/s: I said blog readers can come if you want to, but I cannot allow you guys to all stay lah, coz of safely reasons. =) Sorry if you guys misunderstood! But then again, what's the fun of coming if you don't gatecrash? So no, don't come ah! Cannot come!

It is my 21st birthday!!!

I am very sian to write this out coz Shuyin is at my place then I feel obligated to entertain her by swallowing that sword in the cupboard and blowing some fire and juggling things, but yeah, I understand that some friends are lost and don't know what to get for me, and my birthday is this coming Thursday (though party on Friday) and if I don't wanna receive shitty gifts (Wong: Pink toilet roll holder with a picture of a cat) I'd better make disclaimers nowwwwww!

Ok here goes!~! My wishlist!


1) AIRCON!


An aircon! I've been complaining since goodness knows when. Whenever my friends come stay over or when the occasional filming takes place, people burn. My mom has an aircon in her room, why can't I get one?

If you are thinking that it is improbable that you bring an aircon to my chalet to give it to me ... You can always ask people to contribute to an aircon fund and pass it to me in an angpow, or you can always pass me some sanyo vouchers.

Yes, I want the removable/window kind.

2) ESPADRILLES!



Or rather, shoes with straw-like heels and strings to tie around the ankles. If you can find any decent espadrilles with at least a 4 inch heel (yes I am that short), please let me know, or better yet, buy for me! Yay!



Haiz, so nice ... It cannot be found in Singapore, I have no idea why! This sucks. A simple pair of shoes ...

Topshop has a pair of green and white ones which I quite like, but it is sold at an exorbitant price of $95 and well, it is quite ridiculous to pay so much for something to wear on your feet ...

I'm a size 4 or 5.

3) A diamond encrusted XIAXUE necklace!



Shuyin says she will go buy diamantes and stick on for me, so yeah, this is booked. Bah!

4) A slow loris!!



Wah! This photo is super old-school! I cannot stand it! How come my eyebrows look like that? Anyway, I'm not the star of the photo, it is that creature!

Very cute right? It is a slow loris (no fast jokes please)! Please get a baby loris for me please please please! I promise I wouldn't let Cloudy eat it up.

Kelvin said the loris is very ugly and he wouldn't buy it for me. He said he'd rather get me a bat, since the loris looks like a bat, and I can have the option of breaking off the wings if I don't want him with wings.

SO MEAN!!

5) Sex with an elf



Only one person can grant me this, and you know who you are, Mr Bloom.

6) A silver-pink SLK


Pardon the bad photoshop

No other colour if you want to buy me this! Perferably, you can wrap the sweetie up in giant gold satin ribbons and surprise me (I know I will not longer be surprised, but shut up) by swinging the keys with a cheeky grin and I'd hop onto you and rush to the car with a crazy degree of happiness.

Never mind the fact that I can't drive. One can dream, can't she?!

7) A doctor stripper for my bdae



Oooooh Oh my gosh! I love doctors. Intellectual men are fucking sexy! I get damn aroused by men spelling and pronouncing difficult words! Gimme medical terms! Hebephrenic! Onomatopoeia! Phlegm! Wah, I like!

No, I would not like Steven Lim at my party, because he looks way too vapid to pass off as a smart doctor.

Perferably with penis veins!

Ok about penis veins. What are they, exactly? See the scrolling marquee?

Fine, it is rather annoying and no one looks at it. But this!



The last picture? That's penis veins, courtesy of Mr Justin Timberlake. So fucking sexy ay? :D

I cannot think of anything else I really want at the moment, except maybe a sponsored package to permanent full body hair removal, my enemies assasinated, full extermination of stupid people, etc.

If you are thinking of buying something else, then here's what NOT to buy:

1) Perlini's Silver.



I hate nondescript, boring jewellery. I also hate mindless gifts - which is what Perlini's is the epitome of. No perlini's. If you want to get jewellery, my favourite is from Forever 21, and buy Gold instead of silver.

Chunky ones. =)

2) Anything Blue



Yes I know you know what blue is like, but to emphasize... I HATE THAT COLOUR. I hate it to a vengence. Anything blue, I wouldn't wear. Well ok, maybe except Levi's ... Which in this case is length 30, waist 25... And low rise.

3) Too flat shoes

I don't wear flat shoes.

4) Cutesy stuff



Oh, so cute! *Slaps bear off the table*

NO! No stuff toys! I am no longer 20!

5) Perfume.

I have already!


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Ok I think that's about it. I like pink, bags, make up (from Mac!), books (funny green ones), gadgets (I need a new camera/palm/handphonnnnnne - 8910 went bust) and clothes (size S) and money and sex and food and WAH A LOT OF THINGS!!

If you just want to give me the ultimate gift that can buy everything else, you can transfer money to 175-22104-2 POSB savings, or .... Email me if you want to send anything by post and I'd give you my dad's office address!

I suppose if you want to be really funny you can buy for me Localbrand t-shirts, or a copy of Maxim. (Note: it is not really very funny)

I've got to go, I'd put the details of the chalet in a bit.

One of the most fucked up things

to ever happen in life, would be to have the guy you like fall for your best friend, no?

It sucks for so many reasons I don't even know where to begin. It sucks because it bruises your ego, it sucks because it causes a tension between you and your friend, and you start to think bad, evil stuff about your friend that you'd never have dreamt you would (i.e: What is so good about her? Her ass is so fat blah blah). It sucks because you can't sleep thinking - what if my friend likes him back? And would I lose her because of this ... etc.

The story of F and L comes into account here.

It happened so long ago, when we were just 17. F and Wong came to look for me while I was working for Ascend part-time (it's a shampoo brand and I was promoting it), and we had dinner together at KFC.

L and his bunch of friends were sitting a few metres away at that fruitful suntec outlet, and they were, well, blatantly staring.

If not for the fact that I was the only girl sitting facing them and F and Wong had their backs towards the guys, I'd never have even started to contemplate that L might have been looking at me.

Because F is so much prettier, and I know it.

But I sincerely did think he might have been looking at me.

And that made me very happy, because L was, then, dream guy material! He was totally what I'd sketch out on foolscap paper - the M hair (long fringe, centre parting. A bit toot now yes, but it was yr 2001 ok!), two dimples, bell bottomed jeans (retro sia!), and a white tee. All he needed was a pretty horse to prance on.

I had an eye and mouth feast that day at dinner, but of course, I didn't expect any follow-up actions.

When the three of us walked out to send me back to work, we found L's friend standing outside KFC waiting, and he swaggered (I have a vague impression he did coz he was an ah beng) over to us. L was nowhere to be seen.

That guy kept his eyes on F, and I was skipping inside, thinking that if he gets F's number then I can hit on L! Yay!

But no, he said that he was just helping L get F's number, which F did give in the end (I think because I asked her to).

I got genuinely depressed after that. Why is it that things like this happen? I started directing at anger at superficial men, which is totally unreasonable because 1) I cannot expect L to see beyond looks from a KFC dinner and 2) the only reason why I am feeling jealous is because I like him and he is handsome.

Since F had a boyfriend then and she was not interested in L, I told her to tell L that her number is about to be terminated, and to call me on my hp number (note for the slow: It means impersonation).

My plan was to play a prank on L. Very childish one ok, tell you first. I was to continue talking to him on the phone till he tells me that he likes me, in which after that I'd exclaim, "but you only like me because of my looks!" and after which he'd say, No, after talking for so many days he likes me coz of my character and after which I'd say, "so even if I am not pretty you'd still like me?" and after which he'd be obligated to say "Yes" and I'd go like, "TADAH! I am not F, I am YANYAN THAT UGLY GIRL WAHAHAHA!"

Very boh liao right.

So anyway, in case you wanted to know the plan flopped after two hours. I was talking to him, impersonating F's face with my own information, which meant that he thought F was working for Ascend as well. Which I think she actually did anyway.

Let's not go into confusing logistics now.

As it is I am not a dishonest person, and I did not feel good about lying. In any case my plan was brilliant to me then, and I wanted to share it with anyone I can talk to, which was only L. But of course I can't tell him about it.

So anyway, there he was telling me about the chemistry he felt for me and so on, and HE INSISTED ON COMING TO FIND ME AT WORK THE NEXT DAY (which I stupidly mentioned the venue)!!

Horrifying. If he comes, he'd find only me, and the expected disappointed face is more than I can bear. God did I feel lousy. Inferior and ugly, among other worse emotions.

After talking some more, I burst out the truth, and I think L was disgusted with that little, erm, harmless? prank.

Nonetheless, he was quite empathetic and was still civil to me. I whimpered, "So you not coming tomorrow already is it?", conveniently forgetting that he'd be obligated to say yes if I asked in that forlorn manner.

And so he did. It was a horrible dinner. He told me later that night that it is not about the looks but about the chemistry. He said he tried, but it just didn't feel correct.

I feel like "yeah right"ing, but I can see his POV (as in F and I were very different in character and the general "feel"), although it also stands that no normal guy would feel outright (only based on looks) chemistry for an ugly chick lah, cmon. Who are we kidding?

A month passed. L and I are no longer in contact (if truth be told, I didn't really get along that well with him, and yes, I admit there was a lack of chemistry). F has also broken up with her then boyfriend.

One day, I was out with F and we were supposed to meet a bunch of her friends. She couldn't answer her phone while it rang in the cubicle, so she passed it to me underneath the door.

By the time I answered, it had stopped ringing. I naturally pressed to see whose call I missed, and the whole list of missed calls appeared.

L's name was there.

I stood there stunned for a moment, and I asked, "You still keep in contact with L?!"

She mumbled yes, why? She then admited that she has been talking to him sometimes, but didn't tell me coz she is scared I get angry.

And angry I was. It wasn't the fact that she was talking to him, but that she delibrately hid it from me.

After a few weeks, they got together. She asked me if I am ok, but I don't really think I was. I don't know what is it that made me feel so lousy - maybe it was a slight sense of betrayal that she'd date someone whom I liked, or maybe I just felt lousy about myself....

Our friendship deteriorated from then on. I thought they'd last for a few months and things would mull over. But no ... It went on for four years and with the absence of contact for such a long period, we just cannot get back the closeness we used to share.

Yet I cannot blame her. Who am I to stop her from liking and being with him?

Up till today, that incident still makes me rather sad. Grey skies, lonely rooms and cellulite. =(

And well, that's only one occasion. Of course, some of you know that Adryan used to like F too. Some of you might be thinking, FUCK LAH, learn your lesson and stop hanging out with very good looking girls lah! But no! I am a fucking moth, I am. I get burned on one wing, and I get very angry and sit down at one corner and sulk while complaining to Shuyin on my starhub phone, then I decide to flutter to candlelight again and burn my leg.

Time and again it happens. Me introduce guy I like to girlfriend, guy falls for girlfriend. Whoop! So fun! Let's do it again! Me introduce guy I like to girlfriend, guy falls for girlfriend. Again, again!

STOP IT ALREADY!

It's not only F... In primary school it was another really pretty best friend, in secondary school it was F, then in poly it was June. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

"Hey your friend very pretty leh, can I get to know her?" NO! SHUT UP AND GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A CACTUS YOU FUCKING HORNY BASTARD!!!

Tamade.

What's my point?

My point is now, I am very paranoid about the guys I like liking my girlfriends. I get reminded of my painful past experiences, and I don't want to go near that ever again.

It causes tension, it causes pain, I'd never recover from the ego bruise --- and I might lose my girlfriend. Double that, because it is fucking DUI that I WAS THE IDIOT WHO INTRODUCED THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I introduced the guy I like to a girlfriend recently. Did I already said I am an incorrigible fucking stupid moth?

I realised that although they both behaved very normally (in fact far less touchy than they usually would have done - for my sake), I get super paranoid whenever they touch, or sit particularly close, or what's not. It gets on my nerves so much that I spiral into a horrible mood everytime it happens.

On the other hand, I did mention to the two of them that I don't like them being close, but who I am to command them to do anything for me? The guy is not my boyfriend (things have not changed so much for dream guy --- he still has the two dimples though not, thankfully, anything else mentioned above).

But I have a very good theory about this. There is, I always say, no need to bother about who is right and who is wrong, because it is not definitive.

There is, however, a certain known fact: which is that I'd get upset when they are close. Whether or not I have a right to get upset is one thing, but it remains true that if they know I'd get upset and still do it anyway, they have a blatantly disregard for my feelings -- which is just mean.

When she wanted to take a photo with him (nothing wrong with that), she and him secretly did the series of photos while I was not around (was in another room comforting another friend).

I'd got nothing to say for the guy, because guys would be guys. Maybe he enjoys the attention in the form of jealousy, or maybe he feels that me being upset if not reason enough for him to deprive himself of the normal stuff he does, or maybe he doesn't know I'd be that upset. I'd wouldn't know. So be it lor. I also lan lan right?

But I am really disappointed with my girlfriend.

It doesn't matter that it is mere photo taking and there is nothing wrong with hugging each other during photo taking sessions, but fact remains that SHE KNOWS that I wouldn't like it (and she promised no flirting with him before she met him. Some might argue that photo taking is not flirting, but certainly even an idiot can tell that the connotations and basis of "not flirting" is that I do not want him to fall for her - meaning she shouldn't flaunt herself, show herself to be overtly available and easy, or do anything that might tempt him. In other words, her body language shld always be: I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU) and still went ahead to do it anyway. Worst still, behind my back.

But well, she apologized. Still, not something I can just forget.

I fucking hate being ugly. Ok maybe not ugly, coz I am really pretty, but well, apparently not good enough. Fucking hell. Well, if you are thinking what is the link between this paragraph and the last paragraph (since the guy I like did not fall for my girlfriend, thank goodness), it is that if I were so goddamn perfect, I'd never doubt myself, if not about character then at least that he is more attracted to her physically than to me. Then they can flirt all I want and I'd be like, "Who cares, check out my kickass tits!" and go around curling my hair as per normal.

But no.


- A friend once told me, "But you are not common and normal, you are a celebrity." And I replied, "Yeah but the only reason why I became a celebrity, is because the world likes to read how common and normal I am." -

I shall write as a man from now on. CB, that kuku Arsenal lost. Anyway, why do I have so much stubble? Shave shave shave. Hate shaving. Stupid Gilette. Gosh, I am SO manly. I bet if I sniff my bushy pits, I'd drown in my excess testosterone and all the babes nearby will just flutter towards my pheramones in a hurry. Muahahaha! (manly laughter)

Dude, where's my car?

Diamonds are for faggots. YOU HEARD THAT BECKHAM?!

Oh yeah? I believe when I die, I will meet God (I use the term "God" loosely - I mean a superior being), who is a fucking big cockroach, like 12 feet tall. Why? Well, because God (in my view) is almighty, and everyone is scared of cockroaches! Maybe not everyone is scared of cockroaches when they are small, but a 12 foot cockroach??! Aha! And, and SHE (because only female cockroaches fly, and flying cockroaches are fucking scary) ... She can jolly well put me in anywhere she wants, as long as those hairy brown legs don't come near me ...!

Now don't you go around insulting my religion and beliefs.

Postnote: Why (some of) you Christians like that one ah?? A bit self-centred right? FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME: Nobody is talking about you or your God can?! I am only announcing my own new-found religion, and please respect my choice. Do not insult my God, giant cockroach or fluttering butterfly. My God is stupid and yours is not? Ugly I agree, but it is a matter of taste I guess! Tsk - differing opinions, different faiths. Leave me alone with mine! I am not imposing my views on you, am I?

There is nothing wrong with writing on MY blog about my religion right? Cockroach bless you.

Evangelising has a time, and funerals are not it.

PERHAPS some of you might have already known from my blog, or perhaps with Singapore's mere three degrees of separation it is not difficult to guess - 20-year-old motorcyclist Goh Jingwei, who was killed last Saturday in the shocking bus-bike accident, was a friend of mine.

It was a heart-wrenching and shocking ordeal for me, not only because of the cruel way Jingwei went, but also because he was the first of my friends to go.

I cannot claim to have attended many funerals (nor would I ever want that), but so far, those that I've been to before Jingwei's were gracefully arranged.

In my opinion, the service, no matter what religion the deceased may be, is overtly important. It is the last memory one can have of the deceased, and unpleasant as funerals always are, personalized eulogies by loved ones combined with tastefully prepared rituals or gentle bereavement speeches can seal the deceased in the best memory one can remember him as.

In Jingwei's case, it was uncertain whether he was a Christian or not, but he did express an interest in the said religion, and, according to his friends, had attended church twice. Thus his family, who were not Christians, acted accordingly and held a Christian funeral for him.

The chosen pastor, naturally, did not know Jingwei personally. That cannot be blamed. But what made me feel angry, was the way the pastor had to repeatedly glance back at his piece of paper in hand to get Jingwei's name correct, and yet managed to deliver his memorized speeches flawlessly.

Excuse me, but that is just plain offensive.

To all of us present, Jingwei is so important... and yet, the pastor could not even put in a little extra of effort to memorise a three-syllable name?

An inappropriate analogy perhaps, but I remember when I was a banquet waitress I've always told myself that it might be just one of the many times I am serving a wedding dinner, but that evening is eternally special for the couple. And therefore, I always put on my best performance for these weddings. Shouldn't the pastor have the same attitude; or is Jingwei just unimportant because he is doing this speech thing everyday?

That being said, a different pastor from the previous day was actually doing active evangelizing during the service.

Among all the heartbroken people that Jingwei had left behind, he had the cheek to actually announce, I quote, that he would "like to take this opportunity" to urge those present to accept Christ, or well, not be able to go to heaven like Jingwei did.

I'd love to spew some vulgarities at this point of time, but urgh, I can't. (Hey, I can now! KNNBCCB!)

What does he mean by "take this opportunity"? This is my friend's funeral, and it will not be used as a billboard for his personal preaching! He was hired to comfort those in grief, to pray for Jingwei, and to conduct the whole ceremony - most definitely not for non-Jingwei related issues such as evangelizing!

I recognize that he wants to spread his beliefs, but there is a time for it, and the moment he chose could not have been more wrong. It was taking advantage of a person's death for his own religion's benefit (although he is assuming the benefit for 'converters' but keep in mind not everyone agrees with that, and I most definitely don't)! It is ok if Jingwei specified, before he passed away, that he wanted his faith to be spread, but Jingwei most certainly did not do such a thing.

But the issue has passed. It doesn't matter anymore, because no matter how the funeral went, Jingwei will still be with us (his family and friends) spiritually, although he has left physically.

What matters, however, is that such atrocity does not happen in future. I am writing this article as people tend to let pass these hiccups because the atmosphere is sombre enough without extra trouble - which I think is a terrible mistake. The funeral is going to be the last impression of the deceased one can have, and it has to be done properly. It should not be tolerated, such insensitivity to the deceased and family.

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Personally speaking, since I am a non-Christian, I find it pretty - condescending - that pastors tell the story of how Xtians all go into Heaven - whilst the rest of us have to stay and suffer on Earth.

It sounds like a nicely-spun fairy tale to me, and though it might help loads of others get over their grief (which is a good thing), I still feel uncomfortable with that particular belief. Here are some of my concerns in brief:

1) The pastor telling us not to be sad, for JW was taken away by GOD to a better place.

a) You bloody do not even know JW till he is lying there dead, OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T BLOODY BE SAD. Don't even try to understand our feelings, and don't tell us what to do, because you DON'T KNOW A THING. Just shut up, you hired stranger. (It is not the pastor's fault I know, but I want to be angry at something)

b) If God truly wanted to take him away, why did God chose such a tragic death? Is it to torture his friends and family? Why can't he go in a peaceful manner? (If you don't already know, JW's head got rolled over by a TIBS bus after skidding off his bike)

2) It was said that Jesus understand our grief, for he too lived as a human, and he knows we all have heavy hearts. He however urges us not to feel upset, for the deceased as gone to a better, sunshiny place called heaven. So ... Does this Jesus guy expect us to feel upset, or not??? (If you don't get the contradiction, I am not going to bother explaining)

3) If it is true that dying means God wants to take us to him, then how come pastors take medication when they have terminal cancer? Just go la.

4) If living is merely for the glamourous afterlife with God (scoff, as long as we believe in Him that is - poor kindly monks), then what's the point of this life? To separate us into hell and heaven?

5) I've got a no. 5, but at this point of time my mother just started to scold me regarding chalet matters (which I am starting to feel is far more troubles than it is worth), so I forgot it.

Excuses. So many reasons spun out of nowhere to cover these questions. I just cannot accept it.

Maybe Christians can answer me, but don't. One thing I hate hearing is people putting words into God's mouth, like they play chess with him everyday. My Christian friend heard my questions. He cannot answer me, because God (is supposed to) have infinite wisdom, and we mere humans cannot fathom how he thinks. A good enough answer for me.

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Note to Christians: The first part of the article is targeted at the particular behaviour of the individual pastors, and not the religion. Do understand that. I agree that most pastors would not do such insensitive things, or even if they do evangelise it is ok since the deceased is an staurch Christian and he/she would like to spread his/her faith. But as JW's friends, we find that behaviour hard to accept, because we know that JW would not have liked it. He never evangelised to us. Even though the pastor doesn't know this, his choice of words were still wrong anyway.

The queries later on, are my doubts, and do try to answer them if you can --- though I am not interested in your own answer. If you want, quote me the bible.

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"The Babel fish," said the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy quietly, "is small, yellow and leechlike, and probably the oddest thing in the Universe. It feeds on brainwave energy received not from its own carrier but from those around it. (......) The practical upshot of all this is that if you stick a Babel fish in your ear you can instantly understand anything said to you in any form of language.

"Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof for the nonexistance of God.

"The argument goes something like this: 'I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, 'for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.'

" 'But,' says Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It would not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED.'

" 'Oh dear,' said God, "I haven't thought of that,' and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic."

---- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (1979)

Did I already say how much I love Douglas Adams?

(This story is not relevant to the first parts, but I was reminded of it and just put it in anyway)

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Postnote: To all the buggers who are saying that it is ok to evangelise at the funeral, HOW FUCKING INSENSITIVE CAN YOU GET? Ok look, you are saying the pastor is just doing his job. So it is justified to do it, anytime, anyplace is it? Just coz he is "doing his job"?

Excuse me but that makes no sense.

Answer me this then, why don't the pastor step into a Muslim wedding and start preaching? Why not? Because it is disrespectful, and people are not interested. The same for the funeral. Christian though it might be, people who are there are there to pay their last respects to JW, and not listen to general preaching talks - which are available at your friendly neighbourhood church anytime. We want to hear about Jingwei, and as I have mentioned, funerals are PERSONAL EVENTS.

I don't care if death is related to Christianity. It is just plain rude. I quote one reader on his comment: "i will agree that it is insensitive just as an insurance agent would be trying to sell a premium plan at the funeral."

One great analogy. So what if the premium plan is a good thing? So what if the insurance agent is "just doing his job"? Tell me about how I am going to hell another time please.

MUTHAFUCKING LONG POST GOT DELETED BY BLOGGER JUST WHEN I WAS DONE I HATE THE WORLD

I dunno what to write about leh ... But I've got good news though. I've just quit my full-time job to do more part-time work, and that means I'd have time to write more! I'm so sorry about the lag, been very busy recently, and I've been procrastinating on blogging - mainly coz there is so much to update in the media center, oh well... and any brilliant writing ideas will be given to my weekly Newpaper column first, and then second in waiting is Maxim... Maybe tonight, and yes I realised this entry has no point whatsoever...

Whether you have been a sour victim of one of his practical jokes, part of the audience that laughed with him, or are one of his lucky friends whom he has always been so loyal to, one thing is sure about Jing wei: He was never mediocre or forgettable.

Those who knew him best loved him for his honest opinions, his bright ideas, his funny and cynical view of the world, his cute smile that can light up any room and well, his floppy hair, among other things.

My classmate of sec 3 and 4 as well as a CCA mate (NCC), I remember Jingwei as being exceptionally streetwise. He was resourceful and quick-witted with a tinge of shrewdness - the exact makings of a good businessman - and one just knew he is the type who would be rich and successful later in life.

During NCC, the seniors would always make fun of him because he was, then, still rather chubby and short (which he totally isn't now - became lanky and more shuai), and I'd get paired up with him because well, I'm short too. And then we went into 3J, where, with some of the other more rebellious classmates, we'd all set out to traumatize teachers as well as make fun of other students.

He was part of the clique in school, but was never a really close personal friend. After school ended Jingwei still kept in close contact with Ghimz. I still see him when I meet Ghimz with the rest of the gang. Whenever there is a new year dinner, or a Xmas dinner, Jingwei will be there, he'd surely be there...

Last Christmas I scolded Jingwei.

I said, "Why didn't you approve the testimonial I wrote for you?!"

And Jingwei replied, "Don't want lah, it is so stupid!"

"It is not hor!" I retorted. "It is funny! 'Jing-le bells, Jing-le bells, Jing-le all the WEI!!' not funny meh? Somemore it is in time for Xmas ok!"

Our friends gave dry laughter and only Ghimz agreed it is slightly, only slightly, funny.

So Jingwei said alright, if I insist, he'd approve it if I write it again. (My first testimonial is here)

So I told him I can only write him next year, because Xmas is over now!









But even if I do, even if I write a fucking million times now, Jingwei cannot approve of it anymore.

Because he passed away April 09, 2005, at 2.40pm. He was only 20.



He, and some other classmates, were imitating the way our form teacher pouts.

If you ask me, I'm really shocked and lost. I have never expected anyone my age to pass away, and even if it happens, I've always expected it to be a friend's friend's relative or someone I don't really know.

I don't know what to do at the funeral, I don't know what do say to my sobbing friends to comfort them, because I am not that kinda age where friends pass away. I refuse to be. I am only 20! Jingwei is far too young to be taken away from us.

**********

To those who haven't heard yet, anyone from NJC or RV who knew him, Goh Jingwei has left us forever. He had a tragic bike accident. If you know him and would like to know more, do email me.

Meanwhile, the rest of you guys take care ok, esp Xiao Yu, Ah dong (YOUR HEALTH PLEASE!!) and Ghimz...

Singapore Fashion Festival!

IT WAS FANTABULOUS!

It was well-organised, the seats were enough, and the models were pretty professional looking!

First the Versace show. Compared to the Triumph show I thought the Versace one would be more dull and less glitterazi as it wasn't the final show, but I was wrong!

I went with my colleague and this is my seat! The second row where the arrow is pointing.



Just behind Kim Ng. =)

And guess who was supposed to sit RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME??

You wouldn't believe it. Fiona Xie! Ha! But of course, front row not atas enough, so she was seen later loitering upstairs at the gallery.

Glad for that.

Directly opposite were ...



Wong Li Lin (nice dress!), her husband Allan Wu, and Shawn Chen.

And then right in front of me were two extremely pretty socialites,



totally clad in Versace in honour of the event. Envious, I tell you. Girl behind looks like Shu Qi, so I didn't crop her away!



I was in some lucid green thing and terribly underdressed.

There were some other celebrities like Diana Ser, Beatrice Chia and Robin Leong, but no photos of them.

About the show ... Well I forgot to on my camera to the high resolution mode so the pictures are all quite sucky.



This model is pretty cute ...



And this outfit is more horrible than words can describe. What was Versace thinking? Oh I know ... Money? Cock.

And then the Triumph show (BTW sorry ah I am damn tired so not writing much) ...



Went with Adrian and Huifen! This time I wore a brown dress with boots and was overdressed. -_-



Adrian claims he is a celebrity so NO PHOTOS, PLEASE! NO PICTURES! NO COMMENTS!



Me and him again. Come to think of it the cap dak (don't) match the pink shirt, hor?



Mark Zee with Bernard Tang. Mr Zee and Rachel Lee are no longer together btw. And Bernard knows the whole wide world. Adrian said can play a game of "five degrees of Bernard Tang" - i.e. Saddam Hussien - George Bush - Lee Kwan Yew - Mah Bow Tan (Adrian's dad) - Bernard Tang. Wow! Hahaha!



Edmund Chen with his brother, who was looking damn forlorn for some queer reason. Erm? Half-naked girls in a minute? HELLO???!

Speaking of which, the most famous person at the event is Edmund Chen, followed by Patricia Mok, Rosalind Pho, Mark Zee and then possibly me, because everyone reads my blog!!! Tsk. I am so full of myself I surprise myself sometimes.



Girls from Ms SG Universe.

Show started with ...



her! Walking pass my prime front row seats! (damn good to be media I tell you. Damn good.)



Then up the stage ...


HOT STEAMING BUNS! Holy crap.

Seriously speaking, the girls did not look THAT good in real life, like we could see cellulite and all, but I have no idea why they turn out SO DAMN YUMMY ON CAMERA. I didn't do any photoshop at all. OMG.

Then it was DEVIL GIRLS!



I think the under part of the boob looks nicer than the top. =)

Then it is fun time!




That man with the video must be a damn happy man!

Topless girls started to come out ...




Then guys came out, only wearing satin cloths around their creamy golden waists. I wanna fuck them allllllllllll!!! *Claps hands over mouth.* DID I JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD??



I have to gush about him. I have to! MAD MAD MAD. He came out from backstage, and started to boogie about, shaking his chest muscles (they were jittery!!) and inviting claps and cheers.

AND HE HAS PENIS VEINS! In case you didn't already know, I fucking love penis veins. Love them!!! It is so sexy how the veins lead down to the *ahem*, showing how blood is flowing down there and oh oh oh I just love penis veins!!





...





OH MY GOD HE IS SO HOT!



Hmmm... Baby Siberian Huskies. Huskie butt. Human Butt. Once you see the similarity somehow the model's butt loses its sex appeal, no?

End of the show ...





AND WHO COMES OUT??



JON JOHNSON!! Cannot believe it! He is the winner of America top male model or something lah, and SUPER HOT CAN?!

And guess what?



WAH! Siao BOH?! He hugging me leh!

Ok no more Triumph photos already....

After that we went to Indochine for the after-party ...


Martin, Jonathan, Loon Yang and Adrian.

I didn't realise Jonathan was doing the sexy blogger pose until I was editng the picture, then I kept laughing and laughing. Ha! Dunno what Adrian looking at.... -_-



Outside a big fish tank with Rosalind this time.

Ok I am damn fucking tired. I am going to sleep now, good nights all!

p/s: going Bintan for next few days yeah?

Preview preview!

Because I love you guys, I thick-skinnedly asked Singapore Fashion Week's PR agent in charge (thanks a lot Joyce!) if i could get media passes for the Versace and Triumph fashion show.

I've got front row seats and lots of pictures. You might want to come back tomorrow. =)

How to add?!?

Click to enlarge

I'm sorry if I didn't add you in friendster, but the sight of that amount of people waiting gave me a small heart attack.

BULLET

A man came home one day after work, earlier than usual because he wasn't feeling so well.

Upon entering his house, he realised that something seems amiss, as there was an extra pair of men's shoes there, put neatly at the doorstep.

The ominous foreboding started to rise as he tried to rush up the stairs as quietly as he can, his heart beating loudly beneath his ribs.

And it was as bad as he expected. His wife was on the bed with another man, thoroughly naked. He, that horrible horrible man, had the nerve to nuzzle her neck!

Flashbacks of their relationship came to him; their courtship, how it stabled into marriage, how she promised she'd never do anything to hurt their love... The pain suddenly hit him with a pang as he realised how much he loves her, and how this fragile trust is going to be forever broken, just like the marriage he worked so hard on.

He lost control of his emotions. He must kill the this man - this man who must have seduced his wife! Without a second thought, he pounced on him, strangling his neck, while his wife tried to explain the situation to him.

No explanation is needed, he thought. The sight of her naked before that man angered him even more, and she had the cheek to defend him? He'd settle her later - killing the man is more important.

The man fought back hard, and managed to fling the estranged husband onto the floor beside the bed. That slut started to help him wipe away the blood from his broken lip! That was more that the husband could bear. He opened his drawer, and whipped out a revolver.

The cheating couple froze, terrified. The wife had never known what was inside that locked drawer - but he knew. He had put the gun in himself for this precise reason, and the innate feeling he had that told him one day this would happen gave him a mild surprise.

How ironic, he thought. Because if he could have predicted this, then he shouldn't be impulsive enough to kill them, would he? And how ironic it is that he had told himself, while putting the gun in, that he wouldn't be using it, but it is "just as a precaution" - but here he is, holding it ready.

At this he laughed a maniacal laugh. His wife and her lover had been talking to him from the other side of the bed - the bed they fucking slept in, fucking hell; did he sleep on that man's semen? - trying to make him put down the gun, but -

"NO! SHUT UP!" he hollered at them, not absorbing a word.

"Calm down, Russell," his wife said, "I can explain, I really can! Please listen to me!"

She blabbered on as usual when she is nervous, her words tumbling over each other. Usually he listens because it is funny, but now it is just an irritating hum against his confusing thoughts.

"Shut up Agnes, or I'd blow your head in." Russell said in soft voice. "You fucking slut," he added as an afterthought.

Silence.

The man made a move to rush out of the door.

Russell aimed to shoot at him, but fumbled with the cold metal's switches. It was in safety mode. This was the moment the lover needed and he jumped on Russell, trying to get the gun.

Russell, in desperation, fired a shot that went out of the window into their garden.

During the struggle, Russell was shot in the chest, and died.

"Oh Adrian, Adrian, what have you done?!" Agnes cried. "We killed him!"

Adrian stood numbed, his naked body splashed with fresh blood (and also some semen from just now).


*

Years passed. Adrian and Agnes buried Russell's body and led a new life together, still staying in the same terrace and sleeping on that eventful bed.

They now have two daughters, and that unfortunate event was never mentioned again.

"Adrian," said Agnes one day. "Would you go chop off that tree in the garden? It pains me to look at it; it is so diseased and old."

"Hmmm..." said Adrian who was beginning to find Agnes a pain in the ass. He was patronising her and hoping she'd just shut up.

"Will you go? Now?" Agnes said, with a cliched look of an angry housewife with a powdery apron and a rolling pin in hand.

Where are that woman's beautiful curls gone to? Adrian thought. Stopped growing the head and started growing down below? Adrian laughed to himself.

He dragged himself out of the house and took up the chainsaw.

What dull work, he thought, as he begins to saw down the old tree.

He was halfway into the trunk and still feeling rather dull when suddenly the blade of the fast-spinning chainsaw hit Russell's old misfired bullet and it ricocheted out in an angle, finally hitting Adrian in the face and through his brains, finally killing who it was meant to kill in the first place.



*******************

DREAM HOUSE

She woke up at 315am that night, nudging her sleeping husband.

"What is it, baby? It's late..." he mumbled.

"I dreamt of it again! It's that beautiful house! We must make our house like that!" she replied in excitement.

"You know we cannot afford it, baby. I'd love to buy it for you, but we can hardly afford such luxuries," he said.

"Hmpf," she said. "I've been dreaming about that house for the past 3 months! I want it."

But he had gone back to sleep.

It is no wonder that she wanted the place so much. Almost everyday she dreamt of it, and she knew every detail by heart. She loved its ancient Victorian settings, its lavish grandeur, and its lush red carpets. The funny thing is how the house never changed setting in her dreams. Always the same, almost faithfully urging her.

But their place is the exact opposite of her dream house. He liked the place with urban settings, and metal and glass filled their apartment instead of comfortable wood and old velvet. He knew his wife's housing preferences, but he also knew that such places are not going to be cheap - which, as abundant as his love for her is, he cannot afford.

He was still troubled over this when he drove pass a house in the countryside one day.

He stopped and stared.

The house proudly stood on soft green carpet grass, separated from the rest of the world by pearly white gates and flanked by two stone angels, exactly as his wife described to him ever so often.

A sign was hanging from one of the angels. "For Sale," it said. "Call Mr. Brown at 244-3958-375"

He laughed heartily and decided to call and try.

"Hi, how much are you selling the house off Dunhill road?" he enquired.

The real estate agent stated a ridiculously cheap sum.

"Really? Why is it so cheap?"

"Well, if you really want to know, the owner wants to sell it cheap because the place is haunted. She wants to get rid of it fast."

"Ha!" said the husband, who didn't believe in ghosts. "I'd take my chance! Can I view the house tomorrow then? I'd bring my wife along."

So it was settled.

The next day, when she arrived, she was stunned speechless.

The house was EXACTLY like what she had dreamt about. She followed the agent inside, still gingery from the shock. It wasn't a mere resemblance of her dream house; it WAS her dream house.

Its red carpets, that intricately craved wooden table at that exact place, the quaint fireplace... She was beside herself in joy!

"I want this house baby, I want it so! It is what I saw in my dreams!" she gushed.

Her husband smiled and said, yes, yes indeed they are going to own it, because it is affordable.

The real estate agent was glad to get a deal so easily. "Well," he said. "The owner will be arriving very soon, I think! As long as you sign this contract with her, the deal is sealed and the house is yours!"

The trio was having some pleasant talk about the house when suddenly a loud piercing scream filled the house.

The owner, standing a few metres away, was looking utterly thunderstruck and was had dropped her keys and bag in shock. Her eyes were popping and her mouth was agape in horror. Her finger was pointing directly at the wife.

"It is you," she said, "You are the ghost that haunts my house every night."


***********************

Stories adapted from the popular TV series, Fact or Fiction. Rewritten by me. I love that show and thought I'd share the stories that I remember. Any more? If anyone has any to contribute, do write it in the comments!!

p/s: I am sorry if I scared you. But ... Both stories are facts.